Unbreak Your Own Heart: How to Overcome Your Childhood Vows

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Think back to when you were little.

Was there ever a moment that drew heartbreak for you? Maybe someone at school said you were annoying. Perhaps you observed family members over-indulge in alcohol. Or maybe a parent broke your heart like a parent never should.

Do you recall a moment when you made a vow to protect yourself?

I sure do. I remember being in an especially lonely moment like the previous circumstances and feeling so alone that I would promise myself protection. Whether it be mental, emotional, or physical protection; we tend to promise (or vow) to ourselves when things get lonely.

What a special psychological mechanism! We see sin and pain and promise ourselves protection with our young, pure hearts.

"I won't ever trust someone again." "Never again will I let someone tell me what to do." " No one will see that side of me again. If I open up, it will only leave me broken. I need to protect that side of myself."

Powerful. A small child wants to protect her innocence and sharpen her character to be strong enough to take on the harsh reality of life.

What if I told you that some of these vows might be keeping you from the identity Christ has waiting for you? That your vows of protection might be blocking you from reaching your highest potential through Jesus.

When I was a little girl, I remember walking into the family room and talking to the group. I wanted to join the chatter and tell a story of my own. 'I have to tell a great story! That means I will need to share a lot of detail!' I thought to myself. 'It will make it so much funnier!' I thought excitedly. I wanted attention and affection as any little one does. To feel as if I was seen and loved. I wanted to be thought of as lovely and worthy of affection.

So, my elaborate story begins. I am taking my time to explain every detail, believing that every piece of explanation is making the end funnier. I am just about to reach the end of my tell-all-tale when when I look over to see a family member rolling their eyes and pretending to yawn; causing the other family members in the room to laugh.

Was I boring? I must be. 'Uninteresting. My story was uninteresting and I must be too.' I thought to myself. It felt as if I would never reach the joy I wanted.

I tried to go back to telling my story but by now my forehead was bunched and my eyebrows were pinched together in anger. My young and pure heart felt rejected and it made me sad, then angry.

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Brief Psychological Explanation

Anger is never the first emotion!

It's true! Anger is a protective secondary emotion rooted in pain. It usually is rooted in sadness and– if left unhealed – it can become anger. As I said, it is protective. It is meant to place a boundary. Lindsay Gibson, a best-selling author and clinical psychologist, said it well in her book 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents' when she explained that anger is an indication of a breach of individual boundaries. It may seem as if someone said or did something small or insignificant but it may be an indicator that a boundary necessary to protect your well-being has been crossed.

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At that moment, my feelings had been disregarded by this family member who was attempting to make a joke out of my story. I continued telling my story at first because that family member insisted. "Okay! Sorry, continue with your super long story!" they said. Continuing felt like a betrayal to myself because I knew what was coming next.

They did it again.

I gave up and went back to my room crying.

"How embarrassing." I thought to myself in my bedroom. 'That person cared more about entertaining others than my feelings as a person. I will never put myself in positions to be rejected ever again.'

A small but impactful promise that would hold me back for years from fear of rejection. Only growing stronger to hold me back from my true potential.

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In the first episode of 'Wednesday', the new-age spin-off of the Addams Family show, Wednesday is unable to understand why her roommate is crying.

"Why are you crying?" Wednesday says avoidantly to her roommate.

Her roommate, Enid, explains "Because I'm upset! Haven't you ever cried before?"

Wednesday looks out over the balcony and tells a story of how her pet scorpion, Nero, was killed by some bullies as six-year-old Wednesday was taking him for a walk. she buried her pet and said she had never cried so much before the incident.

She said she had realized that crying was not productive and could not bring her pet back to life. So, she vowed to never do it again.

Now, what had this vow truly done for Wednesday?

Maybe it could make her feel as if she could protect herself. Would it stop her from ever allowing herself to feel so vulnerable again? Would it help her to create a callous appearance so that she could feel strong?

These vows we make to ourselves are protective, but when we create our own protection, there will be flaws.

Wednesday's vowels may have made her feel sheltered during this crisis, but it made it incredibly difficult for her to open up to others later on in life.

She was unable to comfort her little brother Pugsley after he was bullied. "Pugsley, you are weak. I am strong. You won't survive without me."

See, they said this to her little brother after she had avenged and protected him against his bullies. So, she clearly cares about him and his well-being. However, she refuses to comfort him emotionally. I say 'She refuses' because she is still capable of doing this. She just does not allow herself the freedom.

Being that she made that vow to herself when she was six, it wouldn't be far off to assume she avoided emotions to protect herself and therefore lacked the ability to make emotional connections.

What might you be missing after devoting so much energy to maintaining your harmful vows?

How might you have broken your own heart?

I know I have definitely prevented myself from getting the comfort I needed multiple times. I have also had moments where I became over-involved in things that I shouldn't have. Taking on other peoples' responsibilities as my own.

If you've ever done this, you might've learned that this is something prominent in women in particular.

It's beautiful that we can grow in such protective ways but how much more special would it be if we ran to God for protection? If we could learn from Him (the Bible) the most healthy and joyful way to stay protected without breaking our own hearts. I pray that you, reader, would run to God. Allow Him to create the vow, not you. How vulnerable would it be to get the perfect unburdened version of protection?

How do I know if I can trust God to protect me?" you might ask.

Remember the story of Jonah? Yeah, the guy who was swallowed by a fish. It sounds wild, but can you recognize God's enormous effort to protect the people of Ninevah? Jonah hated the people of Ninevah SO MUCH that he ran in the opposite direction when he 100% knew that God wanted their salvation.

Psalm 91:1-2

He is a fortress that we can surely find refuge.

Jeremiah 29:11-14 & 17-20

He has a plan for you and he can protect you even from yourself.

Galatians is also a good read to help us understand how to live free of captivity.

Christ has freed us. Now it is our job to accept the identity of a free person.

Are you willing to take that leap?

• there will be a part 2 of this post :) I'll walk you through resilience and how to learn to be more resilient. <33 Much love and thanks for reading. I hope it has been helpful to you! Jesus loves you and so do I.